Gothika - SEA's ｡・ﾟ*.｡ * Happy Holidays! ﾟ・｡ * ｡ ・ ﾟ
February 7th, 2019 10:50:04am
1,129 Posts |
I do not talk right to any choices I made, that may have been wrong. But at least I tried making things right.
I always had a really good bond with my father, which now hurts even more with the situation I am in.
As some of you may know, my mom died back in oct 2012 due to cancer.
About 2 years after that, my dad remarried another woman. My dad really hurted me with something he said; I was pregnant at that time and he told me I was not welcome. (Shortly after I had a mc ,maybe due to stress? but whatever) This has hurt me so much, to hear this from your dad while at work! Everyone could hear him shout at me... He told me I said strange stories about him and I was not supporting him. In the meanwhile he had some problems with his new girlfriend ( now wife) and I was mixed in it. So at one point, after having another shouting / discussing party at half past 9 in the evening, I decided to take a step back and work on my own problems, so I told my dad ; I am sorry, I understand you have problems with your woman, but I also have problems. I need to work on my own stuff too and it is too much for me to also have the weight of your problems on my shoulders, I rather have you fighting with her in your own house. Know that you are always welcome, I really love you, but I cannot also carry your problems.
After that contact has declined. Stories about me went round and about by others in my family. I dont know why a certain person (I know that now, I know who it is) sees me as their target, in my eyes I have done nothing wrong, and according to some other people in my family, I should not feel guilty, but I do.
For a long time I have been thinking about sending him a letter about how I feel, coming to the house, or whatever. All I wanted was to have a cup of coffee and have a good father and daughter relationship; but it never came to that for the last 4 years since all I got was shit over me, stories, and doubt/insecurities. But you know what? It is never too late, until you died, so there was still a spark, a chance, that I atleast could, or try.
But I didnt dare to go, since every time there was something, my dad starting shouting at me, coming at me with mowing arms, and I felt very threatened. But oh I wished about every day that I had the contact with my dad back from before the time my mom went sick. Just a nice, mature father and daughter bond.
I just simply didnt know If I was welcome at least.
He still sended me cards about how much he loved me etc. So Every birthday was kind of a 'I am inbetween 2 edges here' feeling. My dad loves me, but yet he hurts me so bad and uses me as his scapegoat. Why? I always supported him in everything.
For my feeling it all started when he remarried, but here is the thing.
Now for 2 days ago, I heard VIA VIA that my dad was dadly sick. Apparantly a colleague of my best friend that I call sister, told my sister ( after having a strange feeling and she asked "How is my friends dad?" ) that my dad was sick.
Being the only daughter he has, and having had such a good bond with my dad before my mom died, this hurted me so much. I already no close family left. Nothing. The uncles I have are complete *bad words here* So i don't have to count on them. Then Grandma, Grandpa's... All are not here anymore... My Grandma went in 2010, then 2012 my mother, 2013 my grandpa. All I have is an aunt, which I barely talk too because she is very busy.
But anyway, my dad is so sick, that he may not have long to live. Doctors estimate about 2 weeks to 2 months, depending on progression.
On my turn I asked some people of my family ( Tried to get in touch with them via via) if they knew this, and why I wasnt informed as I am HIS DAUGHTER! I should know.
Now a whole cesspool I broke open.
Apparantly my dad refuses contact with anyone and everyone. He is a very, very angry man. He is shouting at people, threatening people. He does not want any contact. Of course everyone thinks its the fault of this woman he remarried too, since he changed much after that. Everyone I told too, told me they haven't had any contact with my dad. So I am here like ?? WTF is going on...
Anyway I letted it sink in for a while, and then the next morning I had a message missed from the daughter of the new wife. As I Obviously had a bad feeling about them, I have ADHD and it makes me even more impulsive, and I used to rule out of emotion, I wanted to bold straight in how they destroyed me and my fathers relationship. Guess what?! I did not. I got a message telling my my dad made the choice of not having contact with anyone at all. It is really not their fault. I told her on my turn that I would ONLY believe this, if my father told me, in his voice, in my eyes, or whatever, that this is true. That He does not want to speak or see me.
Then my dad bolted in on whatsapp, acting very, very rude and angry, how Iw as such a bad daughter, I am destroying his life, He will send the police on me for harassing and slander him, I do not get anything from him when he dies, I had to leave everyone alone, He didnt tell me because he did not want to, and on voice he told me, this is me, I have to F OFF, he does not want fake attention, and all I want is money. (?)
I on my turn told him, just know, I love you very much, you are my dad, you will always be. I always supported you with everything even though you have hurt me really bad a few times and thats why I took some distance, he was always welcome, I love him, I am still his daughter. All I wanted was to come by, talk about things, maybe have some old good memories, a cup of coffee and the love of my father. That's why I wanted contact with him. He didn't respond to it. But he heard it and read it. In my eyes your door should always be open for your daughter, no matter what (you think) happened. But so be it. I TRIED.
Soon after this the daughter messages me again, can I come? And I was like HAHAHAHA NO! ( at least that was my brain saying that, but I said yes, sure)
Then after an hour or so she called me and explained:
I am so sorry you had to hear this, I wish you really the best of luck, but you have to understand; Your father is a very, very angry man, he is very tilted all the time. He is so mad, soooo mad! We cannot do anything without him knowing. If he knows im talking to you now, my mother and me will be defenitly out of the way aswell. He will destroy us too, so you have to say to me, can I trust you not telling your dad?
I told her ofcourse.
Then she proceeded: We found out that your dad hasn't been willing to go to the docter for a very, very long time. Even before your mother. He has cancer for about 9 to 10 years now. He never told anyone else. He refused any scans, and any help. This is why everything has been disseminated. Your dad has cancer all over his body now. It is also in his brain so this is probably why he is like this so much. We never had an easy life. There are moments he is allright to deal with, but 99% of the time, he is really, really angry, and he is also really rigid. He is such a hard man to deal with, but you have to understand my mom and I really, REALLY tried to get him to you, or the other way around, but every time we get in huge fights when we mention you, so we couldnt. He is very paranoia, if he knows im speaking to you now, oh man.... I cannot tell you how much consequence that will have. We wanted to tell you, and I know it is hard to hear it this way, and now, but we are kinda stuck in a situation here you see. We will 'pretend' we did not contact you, as this would really make him so angry, but when he is on his last, we really DO want you to come in and talkt trough everything and go trough stuff because this is obviously your elders house, and you are his daughter, and we never talked it right what he did, but we cant talk to him because he is so angry, so please for the love of *ponys* do not tell your father we called because this will make things even more worse, and then even we can't do anything anymore.
Your dad does not even want to talk about his sickness, completely denies everything and everything, and its also pulling strains on us.
Having heard from my father that I really need to stay away, and heard this.
Actually things fall into place. Things why he has hurt me some times for no reason at all. Why he was so stressed out, why he sometimes acted 1 way and then suddenly the other way.
At least I can give it a place now, even though it hurts so bad. All I wanted was to have a normal daughter father bond. Sitting somewhere with a cupacoffee with my dad, talking about stupid daughter/father stuff.
I wish.
It was really hard to hear my father telling me this. I am devastated. Fake attention defenitly is not the case. I'ts probably my fault waiting so long. But there was still time to make things right in my eyes. A little bit of time.
But on the other hand, in the years before this, he acted really odd, shouted at me for no reason, never took my mental health in record, and hurted me alot by things he said. I wanted to forgive him, in the hopes that he will forgive me for 'whatever i have done wrong in his eyes' , and just be father and daughter once more, and feel the love of my dad, which I had such a good bond with.
I just needed to tell this story here.
All that remains is why.
Also I am really, really scared of doctors but I feel like I need to do this cancer checkup alot because not both my parents had it.
That also being said, my mom smoked well into my birth, my dad smoked cigars, I never smoked.
I try to eat super healthy too. But we'll see. Story for another day.
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