Some of you may know I had a pug named Pixie, she was going to be 9 in June. She's what made me start my pugs on here and on HL. I got her in 2011, my parents split up at the start of the year and in the summer my ferret that i'd had for 10 years passed away so when I started my first real full time job my first proper pay went on buying Pixie. She was the love of my life, my best friend, my partner in crime and my lazy puppo that just wanted to sit on you and be loved.

Last year Pixies skin allergies were at their all time worst. She literally looked like she was being mistreated. Chunks of fur missing and her skin was black, it was truly horrible. We finally moved back in with my mum and both worked really hard at getting her hair back to normal and after a few months she was like a new dog. I thought finally we'd have a break from being in and out of the vets and we did for a small while until we started noticing Pixie couldn't walk anymore. She would just stop and start coughing. Within a month she wasn't able to walk more than two steps without coughing so we had to stop taking her out for walks or you'd end up carrying her so we were back to the vet and without getting into all the details they really didn't know what was wrong with her, she went on lung tablets for fluid, an inhaler and then heart medication. She went downhil in the space of a few months. I eventually had to take her to the emergency vet (friday 27th March) at 3am and we put her in an oxygen chamber and I took her home then at 5am. While I was at work then (sat 26th) the vet rang my mum and she asked how long Pixie had and he said a week or maybe 2 and when she told me this I was just in shock because no one had said this was going to kill her? Her breathing was getting laboured and she was uncomfortable. She couldn't lie down at all. 

I got onto a vet hospital and got her admitted to there on the Monday which was the 30th as my mum asked me to come home from work as her breathing was bad again and I thought ok lets try this place. I took her in at 5pm and they said she was really struggling and I said to her be good and to them to just try anything no matter what.

They did an xray and couldn't find anything so they wanted to do a CT scan so I said yes and they saw some damage on her lungs, her heart was fine and her trachea was fine maybe slightly narrow they said. The vet said she couldn't see anything that could be causing her this much distress and while she was still struggling to breathe her temp had rissen. They sedated her and even that wasn't helping. The vet said she had now gone into renal failure too because of the fluid tablets although she said they could correct that problem with fluids she was still really struggling to breath. She said she would talk to the specialist vet on site and get his opinion and call me back with an update. 

She rang me back at half 1 on the Tuesday and said she was really sorry but Pixie had just passed away. Even typing all of this makes me want to cry my eyes out. 

I wasn't with her. 

I cried and cried and cried. 

We drove up to see her which they said we could and I just kissed her and cried so much. Holding her paw I told her how sorry I was that I wasn't with her and how much I loved her. 

It was one of the worst experiences of my life. The guilt I feel is unimaginable because a part of me feels like if I was allowed to hold her maybe I would have been able to help her calm down even a small bit. But of course the virus put a stop to that. 

Now Pixie is at the rainbow bridge. Hopefully happy, healthy and waiting for me. I miss her so much. I say hello every time I come into the house and goodnight to her every night. I have too much space and freedom now my heart is so empty. 

It's been 3 weeks now without her and i'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

I love you Pixie.

https://imgur.com/a/8F7JE4g

I'm so sorry for your loss! :(

I am crying while typing this too, I am so sorry the way the events went and that you weren't able to be with her. :( Try to take comfort in knowing she is no longer in any pain, and she knew that you loved her.

She was such a character, and she loved you. Sleep tight little puggerpillar ♥

I got a card in the post today from the vet hospital and it was a card with a packet of forget me nots seeds in for me to plant.

I swear they are the nicest, kindest vets i've ever come across. 

More tears!

That was really sweet of them, and what a good idea!