If it isn't one thing it's another. 

I tell you for the most part, I had a fun time during my bday week (last week) in Orlando. Had a few bumps here and there but really struggled on Friday when everyone decided to go out to the clubs and drink. My husband had way too much to drink. I had already known I was going to have to babysit -- because I rarely EVER drink anymore. I'm older and think often about my son and what would happen to him if something happened to me. I'm a bit of an overthinking which causes me to sometimes be negative or a debbie downer. My down-fall. 

Anyways, so at 2am the clubs were closing and I was trying to get back to our car with our party and then the bullcrap begins. While walking across the street some guys in a charger honk at our group and my husband turns around and flips them off. The guy rolls down his window and says "we were just trying to say hi but eff you too, then!"

Next thing I know my husband is yelling profanities at them telling them to eff and and step out and throw hands. At this point, I already know what is going to go down, so I immediately start pushing him backwards and trying to keep him from throwing his hands up and getting to this guy. sigh* My husband's sister and her bf were also there with us. 

His sister's bf stepped in front of the guy to help me keep them away. Everything happened to quickly. We quickly drew a lot of attention because we are all in the middle of the street... and yelling. I'm yelling for him to get back to the car and leave it alone, while yelling at the guy to let it go cause he's drunk talking... like Jesus. 

So when I finally get him a good distance from that guy, I see his sister's bf is on the ground with the guy so I thought they were fighting. Luckily they were and he took him down cause he was trying to run around him. Well, once I got him away I see his sister's bf hauling ass up the sidewalk running and the car literally right by his side.... so I take off and run to my husband because they are trying to pull up on him. So the whole ordeal starts again. 

I had to put him in a damn headlock to keep him from going to this guy. Wound up ripping his new shirts and giving myself a few scratches. Broke my nails... was out of breath. I am still super pissed. My husband refuses to talk about it and I'm tired of this garabage always happening. 

It always starts with his drinking. He's Mexican and Hispanics usually all drink. He's worse when his family is around because that's literally all they do... drink and party. He had even pregamed before we went out. But like... if I can change... why can't he? I'm not against drinking but at some point like you're a grown ass man... you should know your limit and look after yourself. I have to make sure I'm able to get back home to my son! Who would have known if this guy had a knife or a gun? We were literally in a city we didnt' know. 

So really now we're fighting about that. It's always a cycle and now I'm just asking myself is it work staying in a relationship. I literally told him I'd rather get a divorce and us both be there for our son then be together and fight like we do. He literally gives me anxiety out the ass. It's PTSD. He did this a lot when I was pregnant. Would leave me to go out and drink with his family until 4am and then would be SUPER mean to me. We've come a long way and NO ONE is perfect but I really don't know with how much more I can deal with. 

It just goes on and goes and I could rant all day. I can't go out because he thinks I'm going to mess around on him. We don't trust each other. I'm supposed to fly to MI in Sept to be my bff's bridesmaid, but he got pissed and said if I go there alone, he is going to Chicago alone... like WHY is it tit for tat? I would only be going to go to her wedding and come back. Like TWO days... but here he is saying he doesn't trust me with her and saying I would do things I shouldn't. Ugh, I am just getting mad typing this... so yeah.. that's part of my rant. 

We are supposed to talk when he gets off on whether or not I want a divorce. I literally filed this time last year for one... but decided not to go through with it and give it another chance for our son... but here we are at same crossroads. Literally just don't know anymore. *big heavy sigh* Sorry for the long partial story of my life. 

Then! This morning my friends horse started showing signs of colic, so I had to deal with that... and half of my house didn't have power... so all this and everything else... 

There is literally nothing I can say to help, so much that I want to say but it's so complicated when a little one is involced.  But man have I ever been there with the drinking and anxiety and such!

I can offer a hug and a listening ear ♥♥♥

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

Have you thought about trying couples' counselling if you're unsure about the divorce option?

We have done couple's counseling in the Marine Corps after we were married... I did individual counseling for a long time when I moved to Chicago. Three months after I found out I was pregnant, I moved back because his drinking was too much. I told him we needed it but he says it's "too expensive". 

Did you try pointing out that divorcing because of the issues won't be any cheaper? :P

Well, I told him that if we go that route he'll be the one paying because I was the one who started it last time... even with terminating it, it cost me about $3k. It's expensive because of all the assets we have and our child. It's a freaking how mess honestly. He doesn't want a divorce. Originally of course I didn't each, but with each major thing that happens... I ask myself how much more am I willing to put myself through. Not to mention our child sees us argue everyday.

He sounds like he has control issues.

He does, even if he doesn't want to admit it. I was messaging on the chat on HP one day and he comes over like "who are you messaging?" He accused me of talking to other "men" on the internet because I was in a chat room.... then from there he was over my shoulder reading every other 30 minutes. Was quite annoying. Like omg man. Take a chill pill. I feel like only teenagers should be that immature... 

Still don't know what to do on my end though. He tried speaking with me yesterday but of course it wound up getting heated because we can't see eye to eye. Right now the current issues we can't resolve are:

1. I'm supposed to fly to MI for my friend's bday in Sept. Need to buy a ticket but he doesn't want me going alone for TWO-THREE days (weekend) because he doesn't trust me alone. So if I DO go alone, he's threatened to go to Chicago alone and in reality if he goes alone with his family he is going to get shwasted and do things he shouldn't. Not to mention the girl he cheated on me with AND his ex wife are there.... 

2. His birthday is coming up and although you are not supposed to be tit for tat on how much things cost ect... he's asking what I'm doing for his birthday. He bought my disney/universal ticket (even though I am the one who got up the discounts with my disability). So I saved us a LOT of money... and now I guess he expects me to do the same for him. Not saying I wouldn't but I HATE it when people compare prices like "well I spent $500 on you, and you only bought me XX, so you owe me..." THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS!

3. Not agreeing on money. A downfall for all relationships I'm sure... we each get our own paycheck and he also has a job. We make about the same, even though I am a stay at home mom. He thinks me watching our son all day is easy. When it comes to money I am trying to pay down our debt but he wants to do all these major things without taking steps like refinancing car... and putting name on house (unsure of doing that since he's acting a fool lately. House is only in my name). sigh* We had split the bills evenly but like I said it's tit for tat on money, bills, everything!! 

♥♥♥

Expensive, yes, but it sounds as if it would be worth it.