So today was a really bad day for me. I feel like a horrible mother. Let me explain why. 

This morning I woke up in a bad mood because of a dream I had. I usually don't wake up in a good mood anyways... then I had to clean up dog poop from the foster dog I am/was fostering. He had some accidents in the room- wasn't really his fault; he has been sicky poo since yesterday and the Humane Society is closed on Sundays. I go outside with my son to call my mom to ask if she was going into town today because I was planning on adopting the dog I was fostering. I look down and see my son had sprayed fleat/tick spray in his mouth. I run inside and wash his mouth out. Call the pediatric center who tells me to call poison control- so I do that. Thankfully it isn't anything serious. Not long after that... I'm getting ready to take the dog into town to adopt him and my son is with my outside while I load the car. I turn around for two seconds and then I hear scream/crying. I don't see him and freak. I look down and he's done fell down the 3' ledge in our carport. He busted the corner of his eye. The dog is running loose and at this point I'm freaking because blood is gushing from his face/eye... he's screaming... I'm freaking. 

I try calling pediatric center to see what to do about it. They didn't answer, so I call my mom for her to ride with me to ER. I know you're not supposed to let them fall asleep... (didn't want him falling asleep in the car). She gets to my house and I've got my hazards on speeding to the ER. Of course he falls asleep which scares the shit out of me. I get there and check in... we do CT Scan. We wound up being there half of the day. I'm trying to keep him occupied while waiting. Well, long story shorty- thank God his results came back normal. So no fractures or anything. He doesn't need stitches... he is just going to hurt... but it literally BREAKS my heart and makes my eyes water everytime I look at him because I feel like I, as a mother, did that to him. 

Although, I didn't intentionally do that to him, I just can't help but have this guilt trip on myself over the whole ordeal. He is my first son, and I'm a first time mom. I know accidents and things will happen, but I feel like today was the worst... the dog flea spray and then busting his eye. He has a HUGE swollen black and blue eye and I am just embarrassed, and guilty as a mom. 

*cries* I've cried like 4 times today. I just lost it. I still feel like shit about it. *sigh* I just wished I could protect him forever or if anything was going to happen to him- wished it would happen to me instead. I pray he doesn't get a scar from this! 

Signing Off

A Sad Dakiti

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So two things:

1 - This does not, in any way, make you a bad mom.  Kids get into everything and stick it in their mouth (my niece, one time, attempted to eat fresh horse poo in the barn for example).  They also don't pay attention to their surroundings and fall.  Or walk into fences/trees/etc.  In fact, your rapid response to call the hotlines and then take your son to a hospital is what makes you a good mom.  As a mother, things will happen to your children - and mostly it boils down to luck as to if they get hurt badly or escape with nothing but a scar.  What makes a good mom versus a bad mom is their response to such things happening.  

2 -  It doesn't mean you won't feel guilt, or anxiety over your child, and nobody should force you to ignore that.  Those feelings are your protective momma bear going "OI THIS IS MY CUB".  There is nothing wrong with feeling those ways - only if it becomes overwhelming to the point of you become the type of mom to never let your child try new things.

I hope this helps - it comes from a gal would... well.  I sort of grew up thinking I was indestructible (clearly, my scars indicate otherwise) with a poor frantic mother running after me and my brother as we flew around on dirtbikes, jumped off the house roof onto trampolines, mattress surfed down the stairs (and directly into a wood stove)... The list goes on.  Definitely didn't make my mom a bad mom!

kids are super resilient! you aren't a bad mom, they're going to fall and hurt themselves: and you can't hover over them 24/7 because that's bad for you AND them. they have to learn things hurt and not to do them. it sucks but its part of growing and learning. you can only help him understand not to make the same mistake again. you got him care immediately after: that makes you a good mom. my younger sister did the EXACT same thing when we were younger, had stitches above her eye and all. as long as my parents didn't make a big deal about it, she pretty much ignored them herself and played and went on as normal. like i said, kids are resilient. she doesn't even have a scar from it. just take care of it, don't make a big deal about it, and help him learn. 

It just makes me feel so horrible it happened. I want to be able to protect him. I wished I could take all the pain away. I just hate how it all unfolded yesterday. Was a very stressful day for sure. Thank you for the words. I was careful, before but now I have to be even more careful. I'm not going to protect him from everything as I know he has to learn, but slowly... 

Neke and shadow are ON POINT! Kids are gonna do things and it's not your fault. You are a fantastic mom in your response to those things in knowing who to call or where to take them after things happen to them! I k n o w it's so easy to beat yourself up over these circumstances but just know that you are not the first mom OR the last mom that these situations will happen to! And the way you acted in RESPONSE to those things is what counts at the end of the day. ♥ The guilt is what shows how much you love him and I'm sure he knows it. ^^ If you didn't care, that's when you'd be the bad mom. 

I don't know how other mother's could possibly NOT care! You care a precious baby for 9 months and then raise them- it KILLS a part of you. This was his FIRST major accident. We'll be putting his little braclet in a book for a reminder of his first ER trip. I appreciate all of your kind words, and although it has helped make me feel better- the guilt will not go away. Sometimes I just think I'm over my head with thing at home. 

We have elected to start feeding the animals after my husband gets off in the evenings, because it is a lot to pull my son in the wagon to feed a whole farm. I CAN still do it but its also very hot, so it seems like a win win. I love all my animals but in the morning it's not so good. buwha. 

Sigh* I hope he doesn't get a scar! He's too cute to have a scar on his eye. I can see it now "how did you get that scar"... "oh my mom let me fall down a 3' drop when I was one..." -____- *dies* 

Our brains can only focus on one thing at a time. It isn't your fault you couldn't keep your full attention on him if you were focused on another thing. It is definitely not your fault. Children are naturally curious at that age. Its neither his or your fault. Accidents happen, what matters is that he is okay, and if he is one, he is most likely not going to remember it ever happened. Sounds like you are suffering from anxiety which was triggered by the incident, which is completely normal. Maybe you have a close friend you can talk to about these feelings? Sometimes just getting it off your chest to a real person helps a lot to ease your mind.

You guys are the best. I am starting to feel a little better as time passes on but still that mommy "I did that". His eye is healing nicely. It's already in it's purple stage and the swelling has gone down a lot.