Off Topic > Health > Post Reply     

MHM:People Pleasing

Player Avatar
Content Moderator Saturnia 🖤 Fly High, Angel Moose
September 27th, 2021 3:04:10pm
2,770 Posts


Hello again! Welcome to this week's bi-weekly Mental Health Monday topic - People Pleasing/People Pleasers. This is something that I struggle with a LOT and it kind of goes along with last weeks topic of Setting Boundaries. So, hope you're ready for a good one! 

So, people pleasing is basically exactly what it sounds like. Where we are putting others needs ahead of our own to make sure that they are happy/pleased before worrying about ourselves and what would make us happy. This could be as simple as lending a phone charger to a friend when you're phone is dying too - It could be giving them a bag of chips you bought for yourself because they said they were hungry. It could be giving up your personal freetime to help them with a task. It could be editing your actions or words to make others more comfortable. It comes in a variety of different ways. And while it may not be harmful or you may view it as something not that big of a deal - it could be! 

Salma Hindy has a GREAT TedTalk (yes.. another TedTalk from Sat) about just how harmful people pleasing can be! . She is also a comedian, so she throws in some great comical moments while she's speaking. 

From here are some signs that you are people pleasing in unhealthy ways: 
1. You say sorry even when you have nothing to reasonably apologize for 
2. You have a hard time saying "no"
3. You need others to like you 
4. You're quick to agree with someone/something - even if you don't agree 
5. Arguments or Conflict is extremely upsetting to you 

"People-pleasing isn’t inherently negative, according to Myers. “Part of having relationships with others involves taking their wants, needs, and feelings into account.” These tendencies often come from a place of concern and affection.But trying to earn the regard of others usually means you neglect your own needs and feelings. In a way, you’re putting on an act. You’re doing what you think people want so they like you. You might only pretend to enjoy helping, since this is part of keeping people happy.This isn’t exactly honest, and over time, people-pleasing can hurt you and your relationships. " -

Some signs that this is happening: 
People are taking advantage of you , you're feeling burnt out, you feel frustrated and resentful, and more. 

But, Sat, where does it stim from?! 
- Past trauma, fear of rejection, self-esteem issues .. and more. 

So then Sat.. how do I fix it? 
Work on putting yourself first! You are a person too! Your wants and desires and needs are just as important as anyone elses. 
Show kindness - when you mean it. Don't just go out of your way to be kind because you feel you have to. Be kind when you want to be kind and when it's genuine. But, don't force it on yourself as a task. Don't be kind as an act of wanting to receive approval from someone. 
SET YOUR BOUNDARIES!! They are so important and my last "article"-post.. whatever we are calling these.. talks about how to do that! 
Additionally, talk to a therapist or counselor who could give some licensed help. (Yes, another reminder that I am not a licensed professional just an overly passionate friend who is trying to help.) 

Another great article from Psychology Today :
Another article on how to stop from VeryWellMind :

If you've made it this far - thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this! I appreciate the support! If you need more articles or a push in the right direction? Just reach out and shoot me a message! I'm happy to provide more and do some more research for you! 

Need a safe space to just vent and let it out? Here is my anonymous Google Form where you can vent to your heart's content! I only check it every so often just to make sure everyone is doing okay and to see if anyone has suggested certain topics! Also, some people find it helpful to know that there is someone on the other side "listening" even if I don't know who it is that posts the messages. You're loved - You're valid and valued - and your voice/opinions matter. I'm happy to listen any time through this Google Form or through my Inbox!


View Comments 1

Player Avatar
Content Moderator Saturnia 🖤 Fly High, Angel Moose
September 27th, 2021 3:05:06pm
2,770 Posts

Shameless bumpity bump! Hope y'all enjoyed this one - It's been something I've been working on personally lately! Focusing on my needs and what I like or don't like versus just being the easy person to be liked. 


Player Avatar
↬ PRYNNE 🐇 the moon knows all my secrets
September 27th, 2021 4:23:14pm
1,367 Posts

People pleasing in situations where you shouldn't is such a hard habit to break, but it's so worth it. This is something I've had to work on a lot in the past year due to some intense family drama and I've been infinitely happier because of it. I still have moments where it's difficult to maintain and it's gutting to upset people at times, but the benefits for myself are impossible to measure. ♥



Player Avatar
Content Moderator ephemira 🌊 life is as inexorable as the sea
September 27th, 2021 8:04:44pm
4,084 Posts

this is another thing i have a hard time doing.
whenever i do or say something, i constantly ask myself "what should my mom think" and will sometimes change what i say/do bc i know it'll be something that she'll approve of 🥴



Default Avatar
September 27th, 2021 8:20:54pm
28 Posts

amazing post.


Player Avatar
Content Moderator Saturnia 🖤 Fly High, Angel Moose
September 28th, 2021 10:40:55am
2,770 Posts

Hi Minx, thank you! 

Ephe - the STRUGGLE! I am forever worried about what other people think about my actions or my clothes. Still to this day, I have a hard time with clothing options sometimes because of the expectations my mom would put on me. Heaven forbid I wear shorts because of my long legs making them "look shorter and more inappropriate". 

Prynne - Proud of you! It's definitely not a 1 and done, sort of battle. It's an every day thing. But, I think it gets easier atleast? Either way. You go!! 


Player Avatar
Administrator ✨~Broken Vow~✨
September 28th, 2021 1:16:05pm
6,740 Posts

*gestures at all of this & hops on the struggle bus*

Thank you Sat!

pjd1sOi.png uoRNx1M.png BGYKLiO.png


Player Avatar
Content Moderator Saturnia 🖤 Fly High, Angel Moose
September 28th, 2021 8:14:26pm
2,770 Posts

Anytime, BV! Thanks for showing your support! 


View Comments 1