Okay, most EVERYONE here knows I am currently divorcing my narcissistic husband. Yes, this process is super long because it's contested in just about EVERY way possible. UGHHHHHHH FML. 

Anyways, since this whole seperating thing (my ex left May 12th to return to Chicago - literally after court was over) and he's been gone ever since. Meaning, I have to take on the role of single mother, caregiver, protector and disciplinarian along with the "father" role. 

My son is 2 years of age - will be three on March of '23 but Jesus Lord help me if this kid doesn't pitch a fit and scream "NO" at me at the top of his lungs when I tell him no or he doesn't get his way. He instantly acts out. This is not something he would normally do. I've already taken a 4 hour long parenting class and knew that there were going to be some tough times ahead, but honestly, I am a single mom about to lose her shit. 

He tortures the poor kittens to the point where I have had to put them outside. I do not hit my animals so I have NO idea where he has got this behavior from. He would choke them on the couch, pick them up by their tales and neck... squeeze them, sit on them, step on them. He's done so much. I turn my back and I hear the kittens meowing in pain, and before I get *bashed* YES, I have smacked/spanked the crap out of him for doing it. I've also tried explaining to him calmly it hurts them. Saying "Ouchie kitty - Milo No". He understands, he just continues to do it. I've also tried time-outs, and taking away things he likes like TV or toys. NOTHING works. If I spank him, he cries for about two minutes and then he's right back to doing the same thing again. 

I literally can't even go pee without him doing something. Hopefully with the kittens being outside now, that will solve that problem. Now... I just have to watch the senior dog I have inside cause sometimes he randomly goes up to him and hits him too. That or tries to run him over with his horse.

It's hard getting him to eat because he picks and chooses what he wants to eat. I can make him a small plate and he'll eat things like the potatoes and corn but wont touch the meat. I will sit there with him and try and get him to eat it but at the end of the day I can't force him. Yet during the day he will beg me for chips and cookies or whatever he can find or THINKS he sees and when I say NO he reverts back to crappy attitude. He's even tried raising his hand against me once. I about lost it. 

I feel like I am such a bad mother. This is a crucial part in his life for learning as he is watching everything I do - and I know he's been watching me because just earlier today I was feeding the animals and when I came back to the porch he had already fed the kittens and everything but I was so upset about him putting rocks all over the steps and front porch that I was yelling at him. Then when I did see that he "helped" me by feeding, I am not going to lie. I broke down and cried because he wants to help and I feel like all I ever do is yell and scream at him and spank him. I try not to hit him because he's only two, but sometimes he really does need it and I always instantly regret it. 

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes now. I yelled at him before bed because he was climbing up the side of the table and was laughing - I knew what was going to come next, him falling and busting his chin or mouth and then I would be the "bad guy". He actually almost fell off the couch earlier cause he was jumping it on it and I told him SEVERAL times not too, but again this child does NOT listen... and while he is still young, this kid is NOT dumb by any means. He KNOWS the difference between yes and no. 

sigh* SOMEONE help me? Advice? I really need a break - his dad is supposed to get him on the 12th which is 2 days after my birthday. That's just another thing that I have to deal with. I don't want him to go because I will forever worry about what him and his dad are doing...since he's so damn irresponsible. Don't get me started on his drunk ass sisters. 

His youngest sister just has a baby a few months ago. I had a hunch because when he was video chatting my son, he showed the baby to our son and I was like "wtf? whose baby is that...." but long story short - I saw on her TikTok from a video she posted to confirm it. He was a voiceover saying "post a time you were pregnant and didn't know it..." and there she is with a bunch of videos of her taking shots of patron and drinking beer and drinking out of containers as big as her body just having a grand ole time. I would NEVER be proud to post something like that... and if that doesn't show the character of him and his family then I don't know what does! 

I am just so damn stressed. I didn't go the gym today because I had no one to watch my son. Y'all I really have been trying to get my act together and get things situated but as soon as it seems it's going good then something happens and brings me right back down to the ground again. I'm plateaued and it's been like a month and half since I've been in the gym. I only went from 176 to 173.1lbs. 

Let see what's next... then my mother has been pissing me off because she will do things like laugh when my son gives me attitude and that is NOT okay because then he thinks it's funny or okay to do that. Yes, I have gotten on to her about it, yes I have told her to stop and yes I have explained why she shouldn't do it... but she does it anyways. We had a falling out about a day or so ago about something stupid because she blew it out of proportion and now she tells me she is "unavailable" to watch him anymore. Like screw you too then. She does shit out of spite and it IRKS me so bad. So recommendations? I can't afford a sitter cause I can barely afford groceries. I feel like I'm drowning. **sobbs*

You're NOT a bad mother. You're a mother who has a lot on her plate, with a child who is also going through a lot of changes, developmentally and environmentally. Toddlerhood is ROUGH without all the shit you're both going through.

I suggest the book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka to my friends a lot when they're struggling with their young kids. I didn't finish the entire book, but what I did manage to read really helped me reframe my mindset and approach differently.

I also suggest bringing up your issues with his doctor if you haven't already! They might have suggestions on behavior and eating habits.

When Cora was a toddler she got really picky about what she'd eat so I'd have her help me make the grocery list, help find foods while shopping and to pick something new to try, and help with the cooking. Getting her involved was a big help. And if tempting a child to eat new things means they gotta smother it in cheese, butter, ranch, ketchup, etc? Then so be it! It gets them to explore the taste and texture. Another thing I still do is to explain that taste buds can change and it's important to have repeat exposures, and I sprinkle in facts about nutrition (how your body can use foods, what certain foods might benefit). I didn't make it a big deal if she wouldn't eat whatever I put on her plate, but I always put at least one bite of a food on her plate and tried to coax even a lick. If she doesn't like something, she's allowed to spit it out. Heavy, heavy praise if she did try it. I've been using these tactics with my 4 year old stepson and he's game to try just about anything now.

Give yourself grace. Parenting is hard. Divorce is hard. Life is hard. The fact you wrote all of this out shows me that you're trying to be the best parent you're able to be. You can get through all of this.

Thank you etiqueta. I had a huge breakdown yesterday because I felt like I was a horrible mother. I really am doing what I can but it can be a huge pain when you tell your toddle don't do this like jump on the couch because they'll fall... matter of fact he did this earlier... twice, after I told him to stop and he didn't. Then he was swinging the vaccum cord around and hit himself in the head. Like how does this child think this is fun?!

The biggest thing that gets to me is him screaming NO at me when I tell him No or to do something... that and straight pitching a fit when he doesn't get his way. It's embarrassing especially in the stores or at a restuarant... I kind of quit going out as much because of his behavior. I've noticed it gets worse whenever his dad calls and he sees him. 

I am also wondering if maybe he has a hidden hunger disorder because I swear this kid eats and eats and eats. For a 2 year old he eats ALOT. He will finish breakfast, and then go straight for a snack -- I've only read a little bit on it online cause we all know how that goes. You research something and "omg you're going to die..." like okay?

I am most definintely going to be bringing it up to his doctor when I see him. I'm hoping it's just a regular terrible two thing that everyone talks about. I'm telling you he literally is my sour patch kid. In the morning he will wake me up with kisses and say good morning and everything but during the day... ohhhhh he's so headstrong and a-hole-ish.

Eti said it all.
You're NOT a bad mother. You're a mother who has a lot on her plate, with a child who is also going through a lot of changes, developmentally and environmentally.

I know, as all mommas, you will beat yourself up and stress and worry and feel terrible.

If it helps at all - the vast majority of the public does not judge mothers of toddlers - because we all know and have seen toddlers throw fits for literally no reason before.  For example, when my niece was 2 she once spent an hours scream-crying because I wouldn't let her "pet the pony".  It was a wild moose.  She did not stop until she passed out.  Yaaaaaaay.

Honestly, he sounds like what I was told I was like as a toddler, with the mood swings and the eating issues!