******** TRIGGER WARNING ******* DEATH *********

I have had the worst morning... last night I went out with a friend of mine becase mental health matters. I NEVER go out and do anything. I had my older dog outside connected to a tree with two leashes. He usually chills out there during the day as he's older and uses the bathroom alot - I have wood floors so can't take him out every 30 mins. Anyways, so I left for the night. My mother was staying at my house to watch my son. 

I guess she moved him at some point and told me. I never heard her say anything about it cause I was focused on leaving for the night... so anyways, she moved him up on the porch to get him out of the rain. This morning when I walked out of the house (I didn't get in until after 4am- woke up around 0930) and I saw the leash off the side of the porch. My heart dropped. I ran down the stairs - and there I saw my dog dangling there by the neck. I raced to pick him up but he was already gone. I was so effin furious! I immediately started crying. 

I immediatedly got mad at my mom because she moved him there - and I looked and didn't even see a bowl of water for him either. At least where I had him he had water, but the fact remains everyone knows he always walked through the holes in the porch panels. I can't feel like everything is my fault! I should have checked on him - put him in the cage before I left... but I didn't think he was going to get moved. 

I cannot get the image out of my head!! I can't stop feeling guilty that me, as the owner - would allow that to happen. He was a senior dog, and I hope God and my dog can forgive me for the way he went. I can't stop thinking about how horrible of a way that is to go... like I'm crying as I write this. It's not fair. I hate myself for it... and I'm so angry at myself and her cause she shouldve known better! Like it's common sense! ugh!!

Things have been so rough here - divorce, my son's acting out, a horse is sick, the dog this morning, me not having adult time and I feel like my entire world is going under.... I'm trying to lighten to load and get rid of some of these animals but it's harder than it looks and just... I WANT TO EFFING SCREAM!!!! It's too much!! 

Oh Dakiti, I have no words. I'm so sorry. It sounds like a horrifying thing to have to see. I don't blame you for feeling everything you're feeling right now. That is entirely too much. It was a freak accident, you must know it wasn't your fault... I'm sorry. I'm so so very sorry. This is heart breaking ♥

oh my goodness Dakiti, I'm so sorry.. I don't blame you for what your feeling right now. I'm so so sorry! ♥

I'm so, so sorry for your loss, and shock, Dakiti. You're going through a lot, please be kind to yourself. There is no way you could have anticipated this to happen and once the shock has subsided I hope you can remember all of the good times with your pup, rather than this moment.

Losing a pet is always hard, I recently lost a horse who was PTS, but long after she should have been. I couldn't make the heartbreaking decision even though she had cancer. What I'm saying here is that although you might think your dog had a terrible ending, it would have been quick and not preceded by a long time of suffering and/or illness that many beloved pets go through. 

Sending so much love and hugs your way xx

God Dak, I'm so sorry you were put through that. You've already got so much on your plate, it's unfair. My heart aches for you and the loss of your beloved boy 💔 

My heart breaks for you, Dakiti. I am so very sorry for your loss 😢

I cried so much yesterday and my eyes even still water up this morning - it's hard to get out of bed and do things... because with everything I am trying to downsize my animal lot. It's too much and it's like no matter what I do everything seems to comeback and kick me right in the face. 

I want the best for these animals, but as a single mother it really is too much. I hate to admit it, but it is. I shouldn't have been left to deal with everything on my own in the blink of an eye.... financially and physically. sigh*

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I am just hoping it was fast... God I just can't even imagine.... and the worst thing is when I told my mom and she threw in my face all the times I got mad at him for soiling my carpet... and some things I've said out of anger.... I really don't know if I can forgive myself now because I can't take those words back. I never meant any of them it was just said out of frustration and anger... :'(

It really is a nightmare. I got to bed and wake up with excruciating headaches. I NEVER get headaches.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and having to see it.  I'm sure your mom is hiding her guilt in the matter.  

This is devastating, I am so sorry this happened. 

If you ever need to talk, I'm only a message away x

So sorry

I'm so, so, very sorry for your loss. Freak accidents I think are the hardest to deal with and move past because you didn't have any time to prepare for them not being with you any longer. 
I know it seems impossible, but please don't blame yourself for any of this. We can always go back and think on all of that what we should have or could have done's, and we can make a list a mile high. Nothing good comes of this, trust me. 

I know you feel like everything seems to be crashing in on you, but just know that you are only given what you can handle. The more you are given, just proves how incredibly strong you are! 
I am seriously here anytime you need someone to talk to. Message me and I will give you my Facebook profile and we can chat through messenger anytime! We all need people to talk to, and vent to. Even if it is just so they can listen and we can unload everything from our minds. 

Oh man. :( Sending you a big hug!
I am so so sorry for your loss!

I've still had headaches throughout the day, but they're getting better... everytime I got outside on the front porch I think about it... I'm not sure how long it'll take for me to not think this way. sigh*

I sure hope he's having fun in doggie heaven... :(

Oh honey, I am so so sorry. :(

i'm so sorry, thinking of you and sending you lots of love

I'm so sorry to hear this, I can't even imagine  ♥

OMG I'm so sorry for your loss!

It's been a week and finally the guilt is starting to fade away... but I do think of him often... I really hope I buried him deep enough - because the ground where I live is super hard to dig up. sigh* After this incident that happened- I've had a lot of "falling outs" with my mom because she refuses to take responsibility. I never "blamed" her for it, only pointed at facts to her that could've been prevented with some thinking. Well, we're not really talking and I just hate it. I just think my family is too toxic. . . and honestly like I'm really coming to the conclusion that I don't need them around. It sucks cause family is supposed to support you... not degrade you, say petty comments and make you feel bad or throw things in your face. :(