(like a State of the Union, only smaller. Blitz-sized.)

[this was originally going to be on the end of my reply to Trig's suggestion for a stat-based system, but I felt my response was already too long, plus thought this didn't really have to do with that so should be its own thread]

I recognize that players are not happy generally after the HPP bug was fixed. I recognize that fixing that pissed a lot of people off no matter how proud I am at myself for finally figuring out the issue after 10 years. Believe me, it's weighed on me knowing that people are unhappy with me about it and probably about the way I run the game. 

In the effort of destigmatizing talking about mental health and with full disclosure, for those of you who haven't figured it out through observation, from talking to me, or see me talk about it a bit on the HP Discord, my mental health has had alot of what I call "the emos" in the past few months. I've been struggling a lot (more than I'd like to, believe me!!) with what the dynamics have become within my immediate family (mom, dad, brother & his family, sister & BIL), feeling invisible/ignored, like my own family doesn't care about me. Add to that the feeling of being "stuck" in where I'm at in life still living with my parents at my age, then my sister went and bought a house. While I'm very happy for her and my BIL, hearing about it ad nauseum has been very sad and frustrating for me on top of the other family dynamic stuff. Add in the feeling that I'm always pissing someone off on here with what I do or don't do, and it's been hard.

tl;dr: I've been struggling a lot. 

I'm often grumpy-feeling and emo, but no one seems to notice or care in my offline life. Which believe me feels like a very former high school emo kid thing to say lol. I have a very very small social circle of friends offline though in my city, so my family often feels like really all I have, and the dynamic as I see it right now makes it cut that much deeper every time something happens to make me feel irrelevent with them. Honestly the one thing that keeps me going is going to work at my day job every day knowing the staff and students at my two schools are happy I'm there, even if it's just because I can do something for them. But work is of course exhausting, and between that and the emos, I've struggled more than normal to have enough "spoons" by the end of my work day to come home and answer player messages. Which I hope explains why I've been more slow lately to handle minor issues, answer messages, mediate player drama, etc. Show crons are also giving me grey hairs and ptsd every time they don't run lol.

I'm hoping now that spring is upon me, that the sun will start coming out tomorrow a bit more often than it has the past few months. 

That's nice, but why are you making this post, Blitz?

I wanted to let you all know the above, but to also state my intentions with the staff survey, because I know many players have indicated they appreciate open communication so they are not blindsighted.

The staff survey is open until the 31st. My current intention is to wait until it closes to really pour over every response we receive with BV, Koni, and also likely loop Sam in. I did take a peek yesterday at work (don't tell my principal!). From the 5-10 I did read, specifically my Features section that I contributed to the survey, I'm really encouraged by the suggestions and feedback I got as to what players would like to see for features, ideas/suggestions for new or revamped features, etc. Many had occurred to me before, many others weren't even on my radar as an idea. Some I even thought I could probably implement myself fairly easily (in theory). 

I also after the HPP glitch was fixed had a conversation with Sam about the future of HP, specifically about site programming, and she is willing to try to find us someone should we want to go forward with a new feature, overhaul an existing one, etc., because I will fully admit, I have no idea where to even look, let alone find the right person who's trustworthy enough to let into the back end of the site to do anything. So depending on what shakes out of the player survey, that is something that will hopefully be possible going forward. Like I've said before, good programmers don't grow on trees, and from HP's experience many of them aren't always time-reliable and can be flakey on finishing what's started, but at least we have the potential to have that happen in the future. 

I of course make no promises, but I'm feeling hopeful about it and less overwhelmed by the pressures of not knowing where to find one, and knowing I'm not capable of just doing it myself.

♥ Blitz

🪦

I hope you know that you are appreciated and important and even if your immediate family, of which I'm well aware of their antics, don't make you feel this way, there are people who love you deeply. 

Carrying the majority of the weight of HP on top of working a full time job and having a full time life cannot be easy, even on easy days. I know people get upset with you and blame you for things in HP not going how they specifically want them too. Newsflash, getting exactly what you want in a situation you have no control over is not common and that's kind of like...life. If that's not the experience you are used to, congratualtions on your rich parents and sunny little existence? Sorry.

I am frustrated along with other players at the stagnant state of the game. It comes from a place of caring deeply about HP and the people I play it with. I don't want to see it die off in a few years, we do need new stuff. It just needs to be a good fit. I like a lot of the ideas that have come up, I liked Trig's idea too. I want to see effort to implement something, but not at the cost of being a asshole about it. That whole honey and flies thing.

You're human, you only have so much time and I just wanted to sneak in before anyone pops off about it. Yes there are aspects that are frustrating right now. But yes, you are amazing and people don't give you the credit that if it weren't for you HP would probably already be dead in the ground.

Let's hope the survey reveals some cool things that are realsitic enough to implement. Hopefully we can draw back in older players, maybe entice new ones. There's things that could be better. But this does not rest on the shoulders of one admin. One person should not be singled out for all the things that are wrong with HP and I'm sorry you've been made to feel this way, enough that it is causing you emotional stress and pain. I want cool stuff too. I just don't need to make someone feel hurt to get my way though. 

I am so sorry you're going through it. You have a lot on your plate and it seems like family is letting you down right now, and for that, I am sorry. I appreciate the transparency of this post, putting your heart on your sleeve and keeping us in the loop. You had no obligation to do so, and so for that, I give you my utmost respect and thanks. My DMs are always open if you need to vent, I am a very good listener, I promise. 

I am encouraged to see that things are being discussed behind the scenes at this early stage of the survey. I look forward to seeing what is to come and how it will contribute to this wonderful corner of the internet. We have a stellar group of gals and guys here, and I thank all you adminnys for taking our insights seriously. 

Stay resilient, Blitzybooo. You got this.

Thanks ♥

To give y'all a taste...my mother about a year ago decided to make what she calls a "wedding wall" in our dining room. What's that, you ask? She got printed some of the photos from my brother's covid wedding and my sister's wedding from a year ago October and hung them on one of the walls. There's 6 framed photos in total lined up in two rows on this wall. All 4 of the corners are photos of the two couples (my brother and SIL, and my sister and BIL). Two middle photos are the whole family. Looking at the photos as a stranger into our house you'd think I was a random cousin included in the family photos. 

I also am fairly confident I will never get married. I have 0 interest in dating and never have. My mother is fully aware of this. When she proudly showed it to me when she was finished I asked why I didn't get a photo on the wall and she said "...well it's a wedding wall". 

I get to look at it every time we have my siblings over for dinner and eat in there, which is typically every couple of weeks. They're also on the wall facing a wall with a big mirror, so no matter what side of the table I sit on for dinners, I'm faced with those photos.

It's great! /s