Okay, give me your best jokes! Let's go.

I had to push a truck yesterday.
It was exhaust-ing.

My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

What do you call a sith chicken?
Kylo-Hen

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? It's two-tired.

Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

What is a white duck called?
A Quack-er

What kind of horse travels all around the world?

A globe trotter.

• I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

Did you hear the one about the man who drank varnish? It was a terrible end…

A cheese factory exploded in france.

Da brie is everywhere!

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

• "I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."

What has two butts and kills people.

An Assassin. 

Have you seen the new movie, Constipated?

No? That's because it hasn't come out yet!

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a rum …………………. and coke.”

The bartender asks, “What’s with the big pause?”

The bear shrugs. “I was born with them.”